Take Me As I Am...

This time I finally see the reason why I can't do this alone. It took some time and concentration to believe it, this I know. I lift my voice to sing out, let the sound of my heart ring out. These hands aren't holding me down. Never again will I be without. I need to build my faith sometimes, but I am so comfortable in line. I'm up, there's no more time to try to mess with this design. Tonight's complete, everyone's asleep, and now I wanna say these words to You. I'll be Your hands, take me as I am, I just wanna be with You. Take me as I am, cuz I'm going. I was too scared to start, now I'm too scared to let go. Take me as I am, cuz I'm growing, but it's so hard to tell when I'm not used to this all.
--"Take Me As I Am," Fm Static

So I told this story to Jeff T. Valley, and he told me it's a story that should be written. And this is me thinking that's a pretty good idea and taking his advice. :-) But now I must add this disclaimer, and you'll see why: This is gonna get just a bit graphic at one point, and some readers may not be happy with me for writing what I'm gonna write, but it's an integral part of the story, so I have to. Hey, hey... don't panic... you'll see what I mean when you get to that part. I'll warn you with bold green text when it's coming, and if you choose to skip over it, I'll show you were to stop and where to pick back up again. Deal? Ok. Anyway...

I'm sure by now that everyone reading this has heard some of my stories from my Guatemala '10 mission trip. So many crazy things happened on this past trip that, in all honesty, never happened before for me... ever. In a nutshell, everything I was too scared/shy/panicked/self-conscious to do on every other mission trip I'd been on, I did it all in Guatemala '10. I knew that's what was gonna happen from the beginning. I knew God was expecting me to face the fears and do what He told me to do last time that I didn't. In fact, on one of those occasions, He just got up in my face and said, "You're not getting out of it this time." And even though my hands were shaking, I was sweating profusely, my voice was wobbly, and I made a mistake that Geraldina (THE best translator ever) had to rescue me from, I still did it, and 47 kids got saved despite my nerves and mistake... X-)

At our last team meeting in the comedor of the Corazones En Accion ranch, when Pastor Tom asked each of us what was the most impacting thing about this trip for us, that was exactly my answer. I was pretty happy with myself (I'm not gonna say "proud of," since I have no reason to be proud... it was ALL God, none of me) for having braved up and done it all this time. Pastor Tom went on to say that even though we'd be going home with all these awesome stories about what happened in Guatemala, the mission trip didn't end when we got on that first plane home... rather it was just beginning. He said the whole idea was to take what we learned there in Guatemala, bring it home, and make it part of our every day lives. Little did I know at that point in time, his words would soon come back to "haunt" me. It would be on the 2nd leg of the flight back home that they would do so. It would be then, before we even left Guatemala, that God would hand me the opportunity on that proverbial silver platter and say, "Here it is... are you gonna take it?"

On mission trip flights, my usual M.O. is to bum window seats from people... hey, I like to take pictures out the window, just look at my Facebook albums, you'll see tons of them :-)... so it's usually just expected that I'm gonna go around asking everyone on the team the same questions: "Do you have a window seat? Do you want it? Can I swap you seats for it?" About 90% of the time, I'm successful... but this particular flight fell into that rare 10% of flights where a window seat became unobtanium. I just could not get a window seat for anything this time. In my endeavor, I discovered that I would be sitting next to Tim, who had become very close friends with Lisa over the course of the trip. While sitting in the waiting area, staring at my ticket, knowing who I was sitting next to, and knowing who would rather be sitting next to him, I suddenly found myself with the really weird, clearly apparent push to trade tickets with Lisa and let her sit next to Tim. There was just this sudden overwhelming desire to do something nice for Lisa that I seemed to have no reason for... so I did. I found myself standing, wandering over to where Lisa was, and saying, "Hey, what seat do you have?" She showed me her ticket and said, "I'm all the way up near the front by myself." I showed her my ticket and I said, "Yeah... I'm sitting next to Tim... um... wanna trade seats? I'm sure you'd much rather sit with him." She smiled widely at me and thanked me for letting her sit next to her buddy. Still not quite knowing what I was doing, I took her ticket, gave her mine, and quietly thought to myself, "Ok... whatever."

As we boarded the plane, I found myself WAY at the front, with no seats in front of me, rather a wall, while the rest of the team was between the middle and the back. I was up there by myself. "Oh well," I thought, "this'll give me a chance to pray or something." It was a middle seat. I hate middle seats unless I'm sitting next to someone I can talk to. This middle seat had me next to a man who didn't speak English in the window seat. As I felt around the sides of the arm rests looking for wherever the tray table may have been hidden... I'd never had this seat on a plane before... I hoped to myself that the person who would occupy this aisle seat would be someone I may be able to strike up a conversation with. After a flight attendant came by, insisting that I stuff my book bag into the overhead compartment, and tried to help me in a nearly unsuccessful attempt to do so, a woman sat down in the seat. She sat there and coyly smiled at me for a few seconds. I looked up at her, just knowing in my heart that "something else" was about to happen, and then it did. She said to me sweetly, "I hate to bother you, but..." I just sat there, blinking at her, waiting for it, cuz I just knew exactly what she was going to ask, and she said, "my husband and I got separated. He's way in the middle there, do you see him there with the bald head and glasses?" She twisted around and pointed out a moustached man about 10 rows back in an aisle seat, head cleanly shaven, with Buddy Holly style spectacles. He smiled and waved. I smiled and waved back. The woman asked me, "Would you mind so much trading seats with him?" I had no reason not to, so I said, "Sure, I'll trade seats with him, that's no problem." She thanked me about 10 times as I wrestled my book bag down from the compartment and traded seats with her husband. Don't think for a minute the adventure ended there. X-)

As I tried to make myself comfortable in my 3rd seat on the plane next to a very tall, very thin man in the middle seat, a girl came walking up. She stood next to me, and said, "Excuse me, I just need to squeeze through here." I looked up at her, and she looked rather "green," if you know what I mean. I could see clearly that she was not feeling good at all. She pointed to the empty window seat, and said, "My seat's over there." I smooshed my legs back into my seat, trying to give her as much space to get past me as she could, but she still had to climb over the tall thin man, since you can only compress legs that long so much. Within minutes, guess what happened again? Yep... the girl looked across the front of the tall thin man and said to me, "Um... I'm not feeling so good... do you think I could sit in that aisle seat in case I have to run to the bathroom?" Blinking at her, thinking, "Dang, I've never had 4 seats on the same plane before... but at least I'm gonna get my window seat," I said, "Sure. That's cool, I'll switch ya." As she stood up and picked up her stuff, the tall thin man made a suggestion that I wasn't quite happy with. He said, "Maybe it would be easier if I just moved over, and then you move over, and she can sit on the end, there." I thought, "Dang it. Just when I thought I was gonna get my window seat... but it's not worth fighting for," and I said, "Yeah... OK... that'll work." He shifted over one seat, I sat in the middle, making this seat #4 for me, and the girl climbed over both of us and took the aisle seat.

OK... this is the part where I'm about to get "graphic," so beware... if you wanna skip this part, scroll down to the similarly colored text and pick up from there...

The girl immediately dropped her stuff in front of her, opened a large, empty plastic bag that had come from some kind of clothing store, leaned over, and just sat there with her head hanging over the bag, just in case. The tall thin man asked her if she was OK, and she explained that she'd caught some kind of bacterial problem in her gastrointestinal system on her trip, and that she was having a hard time keeping food down, and also having another problem you probably don't need me to name here in this blog. The same flight attendant passed by, saw my legs propped up on my book bag, and asked me to please store it in the overhead compartment or under the seat. I said I'd put it under the seat, thank you, and I proceeded to do so. I stuffed it neatly underneath the seat... but... before I could even sit back up all the way from having done so, I lifted my head up, looked up at the girl, just in time for things to get ugly... literally. Just that suddenly, with no warning whatsoever, she looked up and violently puked right against the leather seat back in front of her... it ricocheted, for a lack of a better descriptor, off the seat and directly into my face. I'm not even kidding. She puked in my face. You wanna talk about complete and utter disbelief at what's happening, I was totally in it at that particular moment in time.

Just as quickly, I sat straight up, and then slowly wiped my face with my hand, seeing that I now had puke on my face, in my hair, on my arms, and all over my clothing, and that a little bit had even gotten on the tall thin man. I found myself sitting there, pressed back against my seat, puke all over me, looking at my right forearm... and all I could possibly do was to crack up laughing. I had no clue what to do or think. I quietly said aloud, "Well... never had that happen before," and then began this silent, hysterical laughter, which seemed to be my instinctive reaction. The girl began to apologize profusely, while still slightly gagging, grabbing tissues out of one of her jacket pockets and covering her mouth. I reached up and pushed the button for the flight attendant, who came running over, took one look at the "carnage," and said to the girl, "Oh dear!! Are you OK!?" She said, "Yeah, I'm OK." The flight attendant ran off, and quickly came back with a stack of napkins and wet wipes. All three of us began to take some of the napkins and clean the puke off ourselves. As I sat there, wiping someone else's puke off me, I thought, "Wow... only by the grace of God was I able to not follow suit." Then a hand reached between my seat and hers, holding a bottle of hand sanitizer. The hand was attached to another girl who witnessed it happen, and she said to me, "Here... take a shower with this." I thanked her, and began to rub a good amount of it into my hands and arms, and then a little more into my face. The tall thin man used some on his arms, as did the girl. I thanked the hand sanitizer donor again, and then just sat back and tried to pretend it never happened. Although I couldn't seem to stop laughing. The laugh was the kind that has absolutely no sound whatsoever, but is so hysterical that you can't even move, or even breathe, only sit there with your hand over your mouth, face squinted, red, and wrinkled, eyes tearing up, bouncing slightly, trying to get a little bit of air back into your lungs. Why I would laugh, I have no idea. But I did, just about as violently as she puked. And she just sat there, continuing to hang her head over this large plastic bag, just in case.

OK... the graphic part is over now, if you wanted to skip it, you can start reading again here...

After the plane was in the air... and my silently hysterical laughter had mostly eased up, I sat there thinking, "What a story this is gonna be to tell... who's gonna believe that I didn't make this up?" I looked over at the girl, and she was still sitting in the same position as she had been the whole time... and then all of a sudden, I was totally blind-sided by the spiritual equivalent of a concrete slab to the back of my head. I suddenly became aware of a pressing feeling in my heart... and I suddenly realized that this feeling had been there since this incident occurred, and I just hadn't been paying attention to it. This realization caused an accompanying sinking feeling as I started to understand what I'd been missing this whole time. As I sat there, still looking at the girl, I could see her with my physical eyes, but I could also "see," with my spirit's eyes, the comedor of the Corazones En Accion ranch, us all sitting on the benches in a circle, talking about what impacted us the most about this trip. I could hear the sounds of the plane, the people, the in-flight movie, etc, with my physical ears, but I could also "hear," with my spirit's ears, Pastor Tom telling us how the mission trip didn't end when we got on that first plane home, rather it was just beginning, and that the whole idea was to take what we learned there in Guatemala, bring it home, and make it part of our every day lives. Then I was suddenly, and painfully, reminded of my own words. I "heard" my own self say that I had done everything on this trip that I'd been too freaked out to do on trips past... and that accompanying sinking feeling began to indicate to me that I was about to be wrong. I don't know how else to explain other than to say that I could feel the words, "Not all of it..." and then God took over and just told me straight up...

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Are you gonna pray for her or what?

(suddenly becoming totally dead silent, mouth dropping open like a cartoon character) Good point... yeah, sinking feeling confirmed... I guess I was too busy laughing... and thinking about how this story might make some people laugh when they hear it... and stuff...

I told you that you weren't getting out of anything you backed out of before. You backed out of just walking up to a complete stranger and asking if you could pray for them before.

But I did that... a bunch of times... at all those churches and at the Bible college.

You never did it before because you were afraid they'd judge your words, or that they'd think little or ill of you if you didn't speak just perfectly or pray how you think they expected you to. Those people didn't speak English, and you prayed in English without a translator, so they weren't capable of judging you, so the fear I want you to overcome wasn't there.

Yeah... so then it's not the same?

It's not the same. She speaks English. Now, the possibility exists that she might judge you, which means now, you'll have to overcome that fear to do it.

And then it'll count?

Do it now.

Now!?

Do it now.

But... um... I... uh... I dunno!! Um... I will, I will... I, uh... I will... as soon as the plane lands. Yeah... I'll do it then. That'll work.

Are you really gonna sit there and let her spend the rest of this plane ride miserable because you're afraid that she might be sitting there and thinking judgmentally of you, and you don't feel like dealing with that?

Another good point... You're right... but... um... I dunno...

Why do you think you're sitting here? I swapped your seats just so you could do this.

Oh, You swapped my seat!? Ah... OK... this is all suddenly starting to make sense now. And I think I just lost my last excuse, didn't I?

So do it now.

OK. I'll do it now. Just gimme a second to breathe... and then I'll do it. How am I gonna do it?

You're gonna surrender to Me, and I'll move you. You've done that before, you know how to do that.

OK... (taking a few deep breaths, trying not to be nervous)... here goes...
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I found myself leaning over, putting my head down to where hers was, seeing that she wasn't sleeping or anything of the sort, and asking her, "Are you doing OK?" Startled, she looked up at me and said, "Yeah, I'll be OK, I don't think I have any more left to throw up, so I'll be fine." We both sat up, and I said to her, "I'm sorry about laughing. I didn't mean to make you think I was laughing at you... that's just kinda what I do when I don't know what else to do... that's just kinda my default reaction." She smiled and said, "No, that's OK, I do the same thing. I start laughing in awkward situations like that, too. I understand, it's OK, I know you weren't laughing at me." And then, with my heart pounding, and saying silently to God, "OK, here I go... take me over..." I said to the girl, "Can I pray for you?"

With raised eyebrows, she sat up a little straighter, looked happy to hear that, and she said, "Yeah, sure, OK." She bowed her head, I bowed mine, put my hand on her back, and let God do the talking. Familiar words came back to me as I found myself saying, "Dear Lord, You said in Your word in Matthew that if two of us agree on earth concerning anything we ask, it'll be done for us by our Father in heaven, and You said in Philippians that You'll supply all our needs through Your riches in glory by Christ Jesus, so we lift up this need for her health right now. You said in Isaiah that You already took all of our sicknesses and all of our infirmities when You died on the cross for us, so we ask You to take away this sickness that has no place in her life right now. Whatever this sickness is, we curse it in the name of Jesus, and it has to bow to Your name, so it has to go right now, and we call her healed and whole in the name of Jesus. We thank you, Father, for healing her so that she can go on living the life You called her to, walking out the path You set before her, and carrying out Your will for her life. We thank you for hearing and for answering our prayer, and we pray for Your will to be done in this situation in Jesus name... amen." She looked up at me with a smile and thanked me. And I'll tell you what... you wanna talk about the most ginormous weight off your chest... I could literally feel all that weight and heaviness just lifting and disappearing into oblivion... I did it. And then I knew I could finally breathe easy and say for real this time, "It's all been done." :-) And wouldn't ya know it... God is just so awesome that way... she was healed. He healed her, and by the time that flight landed, she was perfectly fine. :-)

She and I talked for a little while after. I found out her name was Lindsay, she was from Illinois, and that she was saved. She said she had done some State-side missionary work in the past, but she was in Guatemala City on a medical mission. She said she and her team had done some witnessing to the kids they worked with even though it was a secular setting, but she had never done outright missionary work in another country. She turned out to be a really nice girl, and had she not been from so far away, I think we could've made good friends. :-) And at that thought suddenly came the lesson learned. She's saved, which means even if I never see her again on earth, I'll see her in heaven someday. If not here, for sure there, there will be a reunion, where she'll say something to the tune of, "I remember you... I puked in your face..." Then the rest of that sentence will have been determined by whether or not I chose to obey God. My actions and reactions will have determined how she remembered me for all of eternity... and how God chose to reward me for all of eternity.

I could've chosen to be angry, and I could've chosen to express anger, which would leave that sentence ending with, "...and you got mad at me and (insert anger-fueled stupidity here)," leaving her remembering my name for all of eternity as being "the girl who got mad at me for puking in her face." I could've chosen to do nothing, and I could've chosen to just sit there and continue to laugh and try to pretend it never happened, and just left her to be ill, and to go home ill, and end that sentence with, "...and you laughed," leaving her remebering my name for all of eternity as "the missionary who just sat there and laughed about me puking in her face." And I'll tell you what... it left me with THE most amazing feeling in my heart knowing that instead of leaving such a bitter legacy, that sentence will, for all of eternity, end with, "...and you prayed for me, and I was healed," and that she left there with a testimony instead of just a story, and that she'll remember my name for all of eternity as, "the missionary who prayed for God to heal me, and He did." Looking back on it now, I gotta admit... I'm happy that this is how that part of my story will be written in heaven. :-) And I'm happy that instead of succumbing to fear and giving God a reason to correct me, I gave Him another reason to say, "Well done, good and faithful servant." :-)

Who would've ever thought that God could take such a situation that seems like it could only ever happen in a sitcom and use it to completely change the entirety of the way you view everything about your life? I wouldn't have... if I hadn't have lived it... I will never look at or think of any of my actions or reactions the same way again. And after reading this, I hope you won't, either. :-)