Yours To Hold...

Back by popular demand (or more like a friend's request to read it X-))... this is a re-post of something I wrote over 3 years ago, when I was 27 years old. I'm just gonna say that it's pretty self-explanatory. And looking back at this blog and what was going on in my life as compared to what's going on now, over 3 years later... I'm completely and totally blown away to see what God can do when you give him a busted up, broken down life and let Him have His way with it... the new me is impressed by Him, to say the least, and looking forward to adding this story, when it's finished, to my testimony. :-)

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March 13, 2007

"I see you standing here, but you're so far away. Starving for your attention, you don't even know my name. You're going through so much, but I know that I could be the one to hold you. I see you walking by, your hair always hiding your face. I wonder why you've been hurting, I wish I had some way to say. You're going through so much, don't you know that I will be the one to hold you? Every single day, I find it hard to say I could be yours alone. You will see someday that all along the way I was yours to hold. I was yours to hold. I'm stretching but you're just out of reach. You should know I'm ready when you're ready for me. And I'm waiting for the right time, for the day I catch your eye, to let you know that I'm yours to hold. I'm stretching but you're just out of reach. I'm ready when you're ready for me."
--Skillet, "Yours To Hold"

Being a 27y/o girl and single, the first time I heard that song, I have to admit... it did make me cry...

This past Wednesday night in church, the topic of discussion was Ecclesiastes and Song of Solomon. Wait, wait, wait... don't be gettin' nervous and takin' off on me, I have no intention of getting into that subject. ;-) What I did want to get into is what the whole discussion left me thinking afterwards... and no, I'm still not talking about that. ;-) Anyway... I know people don't often read Song of Solomon because they generally think it's only about... that. Well, it isn't. Sure, that's a part of it, but there so much more to it than that. It's about your whole life with that person God meant for you to be with. It's pretty much a how-to guide on spending the rest of your life with that person. It's about attraction, dating, courtship, marriage, conflict, romance, and lifelong commitment... and how to handle all those things the way God wants us to. Pastor Jackie made a good point about it... she said, "God wouldn't create us with a desire for marriage, and all that goes along with it, without giving us instructions on how to handle it the right way." It's all about how it should be when it happens... whenever that may be...

After that service, after hearing Pastor Tom and Pastor Jackie spend half of it talking about spending the rest of your life with that perfect someone God made just for you, I guess I couldn't help feeling a little bit on the lonely side... a little bit on the depressed side about seeing all these people around me, all younger than me, getting engaged and getting married while I'm getting old and still single... and maybe a little frustrated about how I still don't even have a clue about who my guy is. I know he's out there somewhere... I've already been told that... but where is he? When do I get to meet him? Have I already met him, and just don't know it's him yet? I'm getting old... how much older am I going to get before this all happens? I don't wanna be too old for it when it does... when's it my turn?

I suddenly found myself thinking about Ecclesiastes 3:1-8... even if you haven't read it yet, if you've ever heard the song, "Turn Turn Turn" by The Byrds, then you already know what it says...

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace." --Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

And then I got told why it was suddenly in my head...

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This is your season to be single. This is a time when you need to be on your own, when you need to be working on you, and when you need to be learning to depend on only Me. Your time will come, and when it does, I'll let you know, but that time is not now. There are still things you need to deal with, things in your life that need to be worked on, and things I want you to do. These things need to be taken care of before you can move on. Right now, you'll start to depend on him. You'll try to make him fill in the spaces that are still left open. When you come to the place where you can depend on only Me, when you're completed by only Me, when you are made whole by Me, only then can someone else be brought into the picture. Remember what I said to you in the parking lot...

Yeah... I remember...
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(I'm walking out the door of the store after a long day at work, and a
fellow cashier is walking out with me... the temperature is below 0°F,
the ground is covered in ice and snow, and the wind is painfully
freezing our skin as it whips the loose snow around in the air.)

Wow that's cold!!!!

Where'd you park?

Aaaallllll the way out at the other end of the parking lot by the street.
Where'd you park?

I didn't. My husband is picking me up... oh, there he is. (A car pulls
up to the curb right in front of us, she walks over to it, opens the
door, and looks back at me.) Bye!! See ya tomorrow!! (she gets
into the car, and they drive off, leaving me standing there alone,
watching the car drive away.)

Can't I have one of those? (refering to a husband who actually loves
me and wants to take care of me like that)

Not yet.

How come?

(Pastor Arleen's words are suddenly brought to mind: "It'll come
along when you least expect it, you'll see. I met Bill when I was 27,
and I wasn't even looking." I start trekking across the parking lot in
the bitter cold, and start to talk right out loud.)

Why do people keep saying that to me? People are always telling me
that. Everyone says it. Why would it come along when I least expect
it? Why when I'm not even looking?

Because marriage is about partnership, not dependency. The
dependency needs to be on Me, not on him, and right now, you'll
start depending on him. Depending on each other when you need to
be depending on only Me is the best way to destroy it, and you still
need some work on that, so you don't need to be looking.

If I'm not looking, then how do I know who I can go after?

You're not going to go after anyone.

I'm not?

He's going to go after you.

(that's admittedly a little bit of a foreign concept to me) Really? No
one's ever gone after me before... it's always been me going after
him... it's never been that way before.

So get used to it. You're not going to have to do anything. You're
not going to have to find him. He's going to be the one to find you.

(that just made my heavy heart feel ten tons lighter)

When you're both ready, he'll be along. In the mean time, just focus
on Me. You may be by yourself, but you'll never be alone. I'm
always with you.
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(an image of one particular guy starts to cross my mind, and I start to wonder if it might just be him)

It's not him. He's not what you prayed for. I heard every one of your prayers about it, and I remember everything you said, whether you do or not. I know how you've changed since you said those prayers, and I know what changes have yet to come, so I know what you're going to want when you've learned what I want for you, and I know exactly who's perfect for you. Although there are a lot of things you prayed for in him, they're not all there. He's not the one.

(wiping some tears off my face, I'm feeling surprisingly relieved to hear that... just kinda letting that sink in for a bit) Ya know, I really thought that if I ever heard that, it would break my heart... but it doesn't. I really thought that would hurt to hear... but now I feel so much better about it. Like I'm glad I don't have to think about it anymore. Thank You so much... that I don't have to wonder anymore...

That's why I told you.

(thinking maybe I just shouldn't read Song of Solomon anymore until he actually does come along so I don't start thinking that way again)

It's OK, you can read it. Learn from it, be encouraged by it, but don't mourn for not having it. You'll get it when it's your time. In the mean time, remember that I'm always here for you. I'll always be here to take care of you, to watch out for you, to cover you, to protect you, to be all around you, to be in you, to be a part of you, and to make you a part of Me... as long as you'd want to stay.

I don't want to ever leave.

Then just rest in the thought that I'm with you, and I always will be.

(wiping some tears off my face again, feeling His presence all around me, and all in me, never wanting it to end) I love You.

I love you.

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Having that person in our lives, that one He made especially for us, isn't about being fulfilled by them. It isn't about being completed by them. A person can never fulfill you. It's about both people growing ever closer to God together. I've quoted what He said to me last year about that topic many times in the past, but His words will never get old, nor will they ever cease to apply... He told me, "It's not your job to hold onto him. It's your job to hold onto Me, and I'll hold you together." Hearing that made me think back to something I heard a few years ago... on the Sunday morning after that particular October 16th that, if you know me, you know what it's about... a pastor's wife, Sharon, once gave me such a perfect illustration that I still remember to this day, and I always will. She said, "Think of it like a triangle. God is the point at the top, and you and him are the two points at the bottom. As you get closer to God, as the lines between each of you and God get shorter, you'll get closer to each other... that line between the two of you will get shorter, too. But if one of you is getting closer to God while the other one isn't, then the distance between you will get bigger, and you'll start growing apart. You both only need to have an equal desire and be putting out equal effort to get closer to God."

Like Ecclesiastes says, there are seasons that are good, and seasons that are bad, but it's all about how we respond to them. It's all about what we do during them... and our desire to find the meaning of all of it should lead us straight into God's arms because that's exactly where He wants us to be. In our time of searching, we should be searching for Him. Not searching for ourselves, not searching for that "perfect" person, but for Him. We don't need to be thinking that we need anyone other than Him. He loves us so much that He sent His only begotten Son to die in our place for our sins... isn't that enough? How can we think we need anything more than that? And how can we even think, for even a split second, that a person can do more for us than that?

Thinking that we need anyone other than Him... I personally think that's a blatant insult to Him, and realizing that I'd been thinking that way just shattered my heart into a million little pieces. When it finally did hit me that I'd been thinking that way, I found myself on my knees on the floor, telling Him how infinitely sorry I was for ever presuming to believe I needed anyone but Him, and begging for His forgiveness. Remember TobyMac's song, "Made to Love," if I may quote it for you: "I was made to love You, I was made to find You, I was made just for You, made to adore You. I was made to love, and be loved by You. You were here before me, You were waiting on me, and You said You'd keep me, never would You leave me. I was made to love, and be loved by You." We were made to find Him, to love Him, and be loved by Him. He said He'd keep us, and never leave us, EVER. We were made to be completed by Him. He's the ONLY One that can fill in the missing spaces of us. Not a person. Only Him. And only when we are completed by Him will we be in a place where that person can come along.

This isn't just about me. This is about you, too. If you find yourself in the same place in life as I am, then His words are for you, too. Don't hate being single. Don't let yourself get depressed about being by yourself. Don't start to think that you need to go out and find someone to be happy. Don't forget that He loves you more than you can ever even know, and you'll never be alone because you'll always have Him with you. Talk to Him, and He'll tell you why it's this way. He'll tell you what He wants you to do, and what He wants to do for you, during this time. Don't waste this time grieving for being alone, this is a time to be spent getting ever closer to Him, and letting Him make you the way He wants you to be, the way He knows you'll be happiest. You can't be happy with someone else if you're incomplete, and you can change that right now. Let go of that desire for someone else... at this point, it's nothing less than completely unavailing... and let Him complete you. Let Him be the one to make you whole because only He can. Let Him complete you.

Please... take this advice before it's too late... learn from my mistakes rather than causing yourself the pain of making your own...